Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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