hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize