my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
