I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
