Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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