I am puke
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
