She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
