If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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