Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
