Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
