My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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