she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
