if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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