I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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