No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
