You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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