I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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