dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
