i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
