The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
