You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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