I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
