Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
