I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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