My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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