dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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