Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
