I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
