gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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