she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
