We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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