he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
