my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
