I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
