I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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