It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
