I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
