I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
