No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
