I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
