You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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