I'm so fucking centered right now
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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