my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
