It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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