The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
