She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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