He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
