I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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