pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
