Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
