1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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