im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
