I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
