you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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