Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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