I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
