Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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